November 9th, 2023

Listening to: Livelock - Xdinary Heroes

I updated this site time to abandon it for weeks again. Still on Testosterone. Had an endoscopy the other day, got cool pictures of my stomach. I miss having an IV I love having IVs. I watched The borderlands (2013) it was pretty good. I don't have much to say sorry.

October 10, 2023

Listening to: Koushikondou - Onewe

I have a killer headache from hunger but I'm waiting till dinner to eat but it's so annoying. Anyways. What's happened to me recently. Not much. I just watched "Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum" and I think the buildup to scares was pretty good but didn't get me most of the time. I was a little tense but nothing remarkable so. I'm on new meds 4x a day for my stomach and they're extremely annoying to take. I started testosterone 11 days ago. I still don't wanna work on this website. I reconnected with a friend. I've messaged someone else off and on but he randomly stops responding and like. I respect it because me too dawg but I still worry it's something I'm doing wrong. But idk if we're close enough for me to ask. Sad! Time goes on though, I only worry about it for a few hours and then I've come to terms with the conversation ending. I'm trying to work on it but ah. The saddest part is we don't come back to the conversation. I'm fine if days pass and then we come back to the convo but I'm sad when we just completely move on. Oh well! Kingdom's fatalistic concept photos are soooooooo good, I'm obsessed with the aesthetic. My head is killing me actually right now but ah well. It's only for another hour and a half. skull emoji. I don't feel like typing it rn. I should try and watch more scary movies this month I failed last time. I have a device to calibrate my laptop screen rn. I'm bored. Ah.

September 22nd.

Listening to: Karma - Pixy

I saw Kingdom the other day and the concert was very fun but I hate having memory issues because I already am struggling to recall a lot of it but y'know. What can ya do. Hwon called me cute during hi-touch and during snapshots which was cool I think. The venue lied and said it would be seated and it wasn't so we had to fight for seating. But we got a seat and I got to sit in the back of VVIP (I was not VVIP) which was cool. Because of my placement me and my mom were the ONLY people in this area so we were pretty singled out which was fine until Mujin kept staring in our direction. And I want to comfort myself by going "oh he was probably just looking at that general area or someone around us" because that's what happens to crowds but I'm dead serious we were the only people in that section there was nothing else he would be looking at. It was intimidating! Not horrible though. I would look away at the other members and look back at him and we'd be making eye contact and it was like ?! And I had a very great snapshot interaction with Jahan. We did the pose and he was silent the whole time and I said thank you and he said thank you and smiled and that was literally it. Kind of perfect I couldn't ask for more. Context I was panicking about speaking because I was 1. Half dissociated due to a pain flare 2. My stutter has gotten worse recently 3. Social anxiety so bad. So the fact he didn't say anything really was perfect. Then snapshots with Hwon and like I said I was half-dissociated so I don't remember it too well but I was running on autopilot and accidentally clasped his hands when he held them up. I meant to only high five him. Other people clasped his hands and he wasn't upset about it and he didn't seem upset at me so I was probably fine but I felt bad. But he was nice and he did call me cute so cool. I got signed polaroids. Jahan had a dark blue black outfit in the signed polaroid and he signed Over the outfit in black sharpie so you can barely tell that it's signed it's so funny.

Two polaroids of Jahan and Hwon and someone else censored in both polaroids Two signed polaroids of Jahan and Louis

My snapshots and signed polaroids! Cool shit. I took the signed polaroids picture under direct sunlight which is why the Jahan signature shows up so well but in literally any other lighting you can't see. silly.

Anyways other stuff. I'm in so much pain. I'm upset that I'm home I hate that it's already over. Was not looking forward to coming home because it felt like I finally had a small something going in my life and now I'm just a fucking hermit again. Anyways I have a monster energy right now it's so good. Looping karma by pixy because it's such a good song. I was intending to listen to the rest of their discography but now I'm just looping that one song. Buying stuff soon because teehee. I got the cutest photocard on the way. I am not immune to collecting small pieces of cardboard with faces on them.

September 13th.

Listening to: Kiseki - Oneus

I am going to be starting testosterone soon! If everything works out I will be starting my first dose on Saturday which is very exciting. I get blood work tomorrow which is also very exciting because I love getting blood work done. Me and my mother ordered keychains from a shop and they sent us unofficial lightsticks for free? Which is baffling me but also I am very excited. I do not know how it differs from the official light sticks for this group, but I did order one so I guess I will find out when it arrives. It did not stand on its own so I made it a stand out of an old jewelry box and whatnot. I think it is cute and now it's on my shelf. I love my little bauble display shelf it makes me so happy. I'm running out of space on it. I'm also running out of space on my albums shelf. I need to rearrange my book shelf again. I think if I move my actual books up to the top I can make more album space. I am insatiable I guess. I am in a very weird mental state right now and I'm unsure if it's obvious. I got the final two Kingdom lenticulars so now I have all 7 which is extremely pleasing to me. I wish there was a better way to display them but they are best handheld. I'm nervous for my snapshot with Jahan I feel I am going to embarass myself. I don't know how but if there's anything I know how to do well it is fuck up a social situation in ways I didn't even know possible. I'm sure it will be fine and I am overreacting. Me and my mother have this irrational fear we're gonna be at the same hotel the group is at so when we're seen at the concert we're gonna seem like stalkers. I don't know if that's how that works but who knows. We agreed that if this is the case we simply do not acknowledge their existence at all. Don't even talk about anything kpop related if we are in the same space. The only time that would happen is if we end up at the breakfast area together but who knows! It is a possibility, is it not? It is horrifying. I am also overthinking this. I am very good at overthinking you understand.

A kingdom lightstick, Kingdom keychain, and stickers A kingdom lightstick stood up in a black box

My haul and the lightstick stand I made. It's not the greatest but it works. I like it. It looks better on my shelf. What's really crazy is the Jahan sticker they sent happens to be one of my favorite selfies because it's my favorite outfit he's worn. It was for a fansign on 221106. I am just biased because I like anything techwear and the outfits for that fansign was techwear and similar. Anyways the keychain is cute and we're actually going to meet the seller at the concert. It's so interesting!

September 10th.

Listening to: Long Live the King - Kingdom

I have lost all my drive to work on this website again. Except updating my kpop shrine and journal, and even then I'm barely updating the actual shrine portion outside of adding new photocards I've acquired. And I'm not even consistently updating my journal. Sorry to disappoint! Anyways I'm in so much pain right now. My legs hurt because they just do that and my shoulders and hands are sore and hurt from using crutches quite a bit yesterday. I guess this pains better than if I tried to walk yesterday but still. I have a signed Flogging Molly poster right now! The post-concert blues only lasted until I went to bed now that I'm awake again I'm chill. I suspect it will be different for the Kingdom concert. I am/was excited for both but I am fixated on Kingdom right now so. Yay mental illness! Sorry did I mention I'm in so much pain. It hurts to type but I'm stubborn so I'm gonna do it anyway. I made a cool kandi cuff for the Kingdom concert. I feel bad to neutral today but I suspect that is on account of hurting so much. I need to flatten my onewe poster and I need to get a frame for the signed poster. Normally I'd just ticky tac it to the wall but it's signed so. Actually I totally was gonna ticky tac it to the wall and then someone went "Oh! Are you gonna frame it?" and I was like oh shit I should probably do that. I almost have all the Kingdom lenticulars, I have 5/7 and the last two are on the way. Funny how my top biases are the lenticulars I ended up getting last. Doesn't matter though because everyone my bias a little bit :•] I'm so fucking tired and my headache isn't getting better I think I'm gonna nap. I wish I had friends to talk about kpop with but also I don't do well in fan spaces and I would not last a day in kpop fan spaces particularly. I am not a very strong being honestly! Though I have been talking to one person off and on but I don't know if we're friends I just think we're having a conversation? But I want to be friends with him. "I want to have friends I can talk about kpop with" is a lie I just want a friend I can talk about anything to. I am going tooooooooo. ugh.

September 4th.

Listening to: Rain to be - Onewe

I have not updated in a while woops. I have been overwhelmingly neutral I think. Genuinely nothing happens in my life so sometimes updating is hard. I have got ! To get a job but I can't get a job if I can't drive because of where I live and I can't drive so fuck I guess! Anyways it's September now. There's a lot going on for me in September. Number one thing is I have an appointment to discuss getting on testosterone yippee!! I really hope I'm able to. I'm excited. Number two thing is Kingdom concert this month!! In like two weeks!! I'm gonna get a polaroid pic with Jahan :•] I'm making an express point to dress way more emo than I normally do because I think it will be funny as hell to look super emo at the kpop concert. This is probably only funny to me and me alone but. Also because if I'm getting a polaroid I need to make sure I actually like how I look in it or else I will suffer for a thousand years. I think my body image has gotten better generally but I still have my moments. Especially for something like this. I'm redying my hair soon. Bright green again, as I have been for three years. There's this part on my laptop that's super hot for no reason right now and it's kind of bugging me to be honest. I've been getting into Purple Kiss and Everglow and Deukae recently. I want to learn their names but I'm bad at names real bad. I've also been fixating on Onewe a bit.

I have been having mental thoughts recently. I feel like an intrusion no matter where I go. I feel like the hang nail of socializing. I don't know how to socialize real well and the longer I go without it, I'm sure the worse I get, but I'm kind of unsure what to do! Social anxiety so bad it makes me go. ow. I feel like every single thing I say and every slight movement I make is scrutinized. Every social situation feels like a test that I'm being graded on. I always feel like I'm getting an F. I wonder what it's like to feel comfortable around someone honestly. Even when I had friends I never truly felt comfortable around them. I still scrutinized every thing I did and imagined they did as well. Perhaps I'm projecting. I don't feel like analyzing myself that too deeply right now. Oh well!

August 21st.

Listening to: Cast pearls before swine - Purple Kiss

My attention span is suffering real real bad I'm so bored but I can't pay attention to anything long enough to relieve that boredom. I want to learn the names of people in Purple Kiss but the main issue is well. Not being able to pay attention to anything right now. So far my tried and true method for learning the names of people is to immerse myself in nothing but their content for a few days and eventually the names will stick. Unfortunately this actually requires a lot of mental effort on my part so it's a little annoying to do. Anyways a few days ago some family friends came over for my dads birthday and it was really good to see them again. In a few days my mom, one of them, and me are gonna hang out and we're gonna go to some little shops and then get food :3 Mom and her decided on this korean fried chicken place which I have never had before but I love trying new food. So much. So I am excited!! Also I'm just excited to hang out because I love her lots but we don't get to see her often. I need to clean my keyboard I just became very aware of that while typing this out. Recently I have been thinking a lot about flamingos and the penumbra trilogy. They're entirely unrelated but I'm thinking of both of them at the same time. I guess the reason it's so hard for me to work on my flamingo shrine is because in all honesty I don't store a lot of scientific information about flamingos in my head. I have basic random flags and sometimes I can identify between specific flamingo species (I know Andean, Lesser, and Caribbean flamingos for sure but James', Greater, and Chilean I struggle with) but outside of them I just mostly like collecting flamingo related items, watching videos of them, and stimming over them. Wish I had the brand of special interest that would make me a flamingo encyclopedia but I guess we can't all be like that. I have some space on my walls between prints and posters and I'm thinking about making little flamingo paintings to hang in those small areas. Either that or I could put photocards on the wall but I think I just like keeping those in a binder. I have an appointment to consult about going on T :D Getting my father to say yes was a nightmare and a half that fortunately my mom did for me which is a testament to her will because holy shit. Oh my god. She's so strong for that I would've lashed out so bad and we would've gotten no where in the conversation. Anyways will maybe update later (probably not I will forget).

August 17th.

Listening to: Stupid Love - Oneus AND Long Live the King - Kingdom

Okay so I've been getting worse at journaling but I am stagnant on my website again. Don't feel like it sorry! Net zero motivation. Today has been a horrible day I've broken down 4 separate times for various reasons and that's been gross but right now I am chilling I think! Yesterday was my 1 year streak of not relapsing dermatophagia (eating my skin) :D It used to be so horrible my hands would bleed all the time because I'd just eat the skin off but. 1 year clean :•] I am having a shirley temple right now and it's sooooo good I used ungodly amounts of grenadine in it which is the best way to do it. Oh and my mom ordered me a Kingdom album as a little reward for the 1 year thing but it's secondhand and they sorted it to only have Jahan inclusions and it's HOK5 so it has the shifting card in it and!! I have the Dann version already and it's so visually stimmy. Stim toy to me. But now I will have the Jahan one soon and :D!! Ult bias of ult biases. Crazy! Anyways I need to play more horror games but I don't wanna spend that money and I am not in a position to acquire them other ways so I will simply scour which is not bad it's quite fun I enjoy it but I really wanna play that new amnesia game (it came out a few months ago I think) but I don't even know if my poor laptop would run it in the first place. Sad!

I need to Kingdom ramble right now and I make no promises that It will be coherent and I will probably repeat myself a lot but it's okay I've never been good at talking anyways. Anyways! People are allowed to have their preferences on songs which obviously I respect and if you don't like long live the king because it's personally not your jam that's fine! No problem! But it does bother me a little bit when people say that it's out of place and doesn't fit in with their concept since they have a historical concept and LLTK leaned modern and like. Here is the thing. For the HOK albums, they're character introductions. We get an introduction to each king, and we see their biggest sacrifice essentially. For example, in dystopia we see Mujin sacrificing himself for his kingdom, taking the spirits into him and locking himself away with them inside him so they wouldn't torment his kingdom any further.
Well what do we know about Louis? He is the king of the kingdom of aesthetics. He is the king of aesthetics. And the thing about Louis is he has a whole Dorian Grey concept, which is both shown in the video and they also talk about it in the behind the scenes. The painting ages instead of him so he can continue living as a young person. What is his sacrifice? The sacrifice of immortality. Immortality, as we know, is often a curse! It fucking sucks! To outlive those around you, the things you grew up with, the things you knew, knowing you can't die with them. And the longer you live, the more the time blurs together, certain memories get erased to make way for new memories, and the longer you live, the more you see, the more you'll end up forgetting. Was this something that happened recently or a century ago? With such a large timeline you've lived, it can become extremely hard to gauge!
Okay, so why did they include modern elements in Louis' video when everyone else has an only historical concept? Well put simply those are different stories so of course they're not all going to have the same themes, but also. The point of LLTK is that it uses both historical and modern things, in some places it's only historical, some places only modern, and often they're blurred together throughout the video. It's there to show just how long Louis has lived, how committed he is to upholding his status as King of Aesthetics, and just how long the curse of immortality has afflicted him. It's something unique to Louis so of course they're not really going to use it for the other videos, but that doesn't mean it's immediately out of place. Different? Yes! But it slots into place just as well as the other HOK mvs and stories do. So like.

Anyways I can respect not liking the song but I don't like when people say it's out of place for their story. I like Kingdom a normal amount. Anyways I am going to go watch Youtubed video byeee ^_^

August 12th.

Listening to: Fragile - Oneus

Forgor to journal for 6 days. my bad. anyways my life is so fucking boring. i can't wait to get my driving practice in and actually be able to do shit sometimes. i've been very fixated on kingdom it's doing evil things to me /dramatic. no all things considered i could be much worse about being super into a kpop group so really i'm doing okay. i'm just autistic about it. i don't do anything i just watch videos of them and happy stim about them. it's crazy. i am a casual collector in terms of photocards and albums (that is what lack of stable money income will do to you) but i have substituted it for collecting files (pictures) on my laptop and having an extensive sorting system to manage them. it's very fun. i also make stimboards on my silly private account that no one will see except my mom. probably. the problem is they're all really good and i want attention but anyways my public kpop boards don't do that well normally anyways so. i don't mind i don't care about the note counts i just think it's funny. the overlap of kpop likers and stimboard likers is very small! so i am making for a niche audience and then it gets even more niche the smaller the group. no one gives a fuck about my kingdom boards and it's quite silly to me. i don't care because i made them so i could look at them and go :OO!!!!! anyways my legs hurt so much today i had to do lots of errands yesterday and now i'm paying the price. ouchies. i am so bored all the time. i got irrationally upset over someone calling a flamingo plushie an idiot and blocked them over it. spinterest........... okay i might update later i have nothing else to say rn.

August 6th.

Listening to: Do or Die - Xikers

About the listening to: I actually hated this song at first but it's grown on me so much. It's so good blasted at audio levels that are damaging to my ears. Anyways I forgot to journal yesterday. And update on the fourth. My bad. Anyways hanging out with my friend went quite well we went to the mall then watched movies. I watched mean girls for the first time it actually wasn't that bad. And then I went home and was so socially burnt out I didn't respond to them for two days. Woops! Could be worse, has been worse before. And yesterday nothing much happened but my family went out to lunch as a belated bday thing for my brother. I'm freaking out about both the Kingdom and Flogging Molly concerts because me when I'm nervous about everything ever but it's okay. I am excited for a Kingdom comeback but also I need them to rest or I'm gonna strangle their company myself. Also I need OnlyOneOf to rest as well or I'm strangling 8D as well. I need idols to unionize. Anyways I've been forgetting my heartburn meds in the morning which isn't great but they weren't helping anyway. My life is so uneventful it makes diary entries so boring sorry.

August 4th.

Listening to: Level Up - Oneus

I feel not very great mentally and I have to hang out with someone today and I am trying to be normal but I am not great actually. Whaddever I guess I will update later.

August 3rd.

Listening to: Kiss - NCT Dojaejung

Hey so that not spending money thing is going real well. That saving money thing is going great. Anyways I just spent $30. So it appears I've made a mistake. Whateverrrrr I will recover from this (not). They need to make a me with spending control.

August 2nd. Warnings: Only venting and sexual discussions.

Listening to: Deep Water - Kainen Kellum

Oh pmdd we are really in it now. I am swinging between oversexual to the point of self destruction and sex-repulsed also to the point of self destruction. I am suicidal. My mood has not improved once all day. I keep spiking in anxiety to near panic attacks but the klonopin killed those but everything else remained. I become so oversexual it crashes me down into sex repulsedness, and being sex repulsed makes me feel like a horrible person and extremely guilty, and when my moods low, I'm sexual to cope, which cycles me back into oversexual and it's so exhausting I'm literally trying so hard not to relapse but it's so hard. I am unmedicated and it's making me a horrible person. I can't engage with any of my interests right now because of how bad the oversexualness is. Well. When I'm sex repulsed I can't engage with any of it but when I'm sex favorable I'm like well what could possibly go wrong. And then inevitably when I crash back down, I'll hate anything I engaged with due to how I was sexual about it. It's normal to fantasize about people it's okay to have sexual thoughts it's okay to have sexual fantasies. That is fine. I have them often. And I'm fine about it. But when I am oversexual in this specific self destructive way it becomes very bad for me to do all these things but if I don't it gnaws at me and eats me alive I don't know how to do anything except thing about it and do something about it. I'm obsessed I can't get enough. And I hate it. I am so suicidal. Anyways teehee I did coding lessons today because I actually wanna finish the course this time instead of abandoning it. My rollator arrived today hell yes. Not hell yes actually it's also making me feel extremely guilty and horrible and the internalized ableism is really strong guys!! But what fucking ever I guess. I will get used to it. It means I can go to more standing-only events. I'm seeing flogging molly and kingdom (kpop) live in a few months and both are standing only so this will work out amazingly I think. But also it's so fucking embarassing sorry. The internalized ableism is doing the thing again. I don't think this about anyone else using mobility aids but when I do it it's a different story. I might delete this journal entry later we'll see.

August 1st.

Listening to: Full Moon (and) Echo - Oneus

This is the haul of someone with a very interesting brand of issues.

An Leedo and Keonhee photocard and a gore whore shaker charm

Anyways I'm extremely content. The charm is a shaker charm so it rattles which is very stimmy to me. Also I keep all my photocards in a binder EXCEPT for my favorite ones which I keep in single sleeves on my nightstand and I try to keep it kinda narrowed down but unfortunately I'm very bad at that because I'm like but I like all of them :•( which just works out not great for me because then the stack keeps getting larger. I will update this diary later I don't have much to say.
Addition 1: Today has been a weird day. I don't remember a lot of it. Like all of a sudden it's over and I don't know what happened. I am trying to think back over the day and genuinely I'm just drawing blanks. I coded quite a bit today though which is cool. Oh I also made stamps. I don't remember doing it too much but I know I did. I feel so strange rn.

July 31st.

Listening to: Hungover in Jonestown - Amigo the Devil

Writing this past midnight because I can't sleep due to a headache and heartburn but I took some meds and maybe they will help. I am taking this convenient inability to sleep as an opportunity to stay up and watch Jahan's bday live. The balloons keep falling off the wall it's quite silly. My head is. Killing me. I am a little sad no one saw the bday thing I did today but I guess it's fine because it's making me feel a little pathetic if I'm being quite honest with you. It is fine when everyone else celebrates a celebrity's bday but when I do it makes me feel a little bit like a loser. I worked hard on it though. I thought it was a cute idea. Whateverrr I'm just emotional because I have a headache. I'm finally getting a rollator but I don't feel like I need one so I feel guilty about it. I can't stand for long periods without being in extreme amounts of pain though. But I feel like I am not disabled enough to need one. I know it's internalized ableism but ughhhhhh. I need this excedrin to kick in or I will die. Of headache disease. The bday live just ended. I feel not great physically. I might attempt to lay back down in a minute.

July 30th.

Listening to: Drink It - The Boyz

Yesterday was so bad I spent 6 hours colouring gifs and I still couldn't get them to come out right and it made me intensely self destructive because I have normal reactions to situations but I coped with it healthily (enough) and then went to bed about it. Anyways I added a featured image section to my kpop shrine so I can put whatever kpop-related image I'm thinking about for people to view. Normally I would just send it to a friend but yeah that whole friend situation is going real well actually. Real well. All things considered I think I am coping well with the debilitating loneliness! As long as I keep busy and don't rest and fall asleep before my thoughts can reach me I am doing very well with it. Anyways that Jahan with a tiny dog image won't leave my head. There's also an accompanying 5 second video of him petting it so so gently and it falls asleep on his lap that literally. Head in hands. I'm such a soft being when it comes down to it. Look at my image boy.

Jahan from Kingdom holding a very small dog in his lap

Anyways I have two people I Want to be friends with and at least One of them would be fine being friends back with me I know for sures. But also Enter debilitating social anxiety. I had therapy homework to talk to the one I know could be friends back but I did not do it because augh. So So scareds. I'm more fine when I'm messaged first but I can't always be messaged first sometimes I have to do the messaging first and it always makes me go. Well maybe I am fine being alone for forevers if that is the case. I am so dramatic I hate being mentally ill.
Addition 1: Gets the advice "you can always talk to a friend about it!" and immediately crumples into a tissue dissolving in a puddle over the side of the road after flying out a car window. I am going to fight this social anxiety! Damn this social anxiety has hands. Anywaysss I've been negative venting in here more than normal so I will appreciate some small things. I have a package coming tomorrow. I have picked up cross stitching as a hobby again. I have a photocard of my ult bias holding a gun which is probably only cool to me because I have wires crossed in my brain but don't even worry about that. I have been doing new stuff on my web site. I have a small stock of monster energy for like the next 10 days. I got more avocados at the store. There are cool posters and art on my wall. My shelves look so cool. Okay I'm done with that aren't we happy now.
Addition 2: Oh my god the new widget I added on my kpop shrine the featured image is so fucking stimmy I'm supposed to be doing something but I've just been sitting here dragging it around while vocal stimming and christ. I know I like to hold objects I like and stim with them but I did not realize that was something that could work digitally. Through the power of autism anything is possible amen.

Vent below, hover here to view.So actually I know I just did all that appreciating the small things but I'm mentally spiralling real bad so I'm allowing myself one vent on here as a treat. I miss venting on twitter that's why aldskfjadlskfj. ANYWAYS! So it's bad :•P the loneliness is eating me aliiiiive I miss texting someone for more than one conversation I miss calling them on the phone I miss being able to let down approximately 1/4 of my walls (I have vulnerability issues you see) i miss being able to relax during a conversation i miss. all of it. there's some thoughts i don't want to just put on the internet i want to text them to a friend. i don't want to post a picture of jahan holding a tiny dog 9 times on the internet i want to spam my friend with it and wail and have them think it's funny or cute or something i miss playing games with people i miss having a friend that i don't have to have a carefully crafted persona around i miss. i miss. i miss i miss so much i feel like i am going to throw! up!. i need someone to take me in like a sad shelter dog i am looking up at so many people who walk by each day because i WANT out of this place i SO BADLY want out but im a DOG who doesnt have opposable THUMBS and i cant get out of this stupid fucking shelter!!! that is a metaphor. i am watching so many other people have friends and its so stressful because im jealous and yearning and the jealousy is rotting my insides i just want to have someone. i have 2 irls but i am just a persona around them i just act! i can't be myself around them and its not their fault its literally my own fault but fuckkkk why is it so hard for me to be comfortable around someone. and ive been friends with them for 4 years so it doesnt feel like any of that is changing any time soon and thats also my fucking fault but whatever!! our relationship is lovely for what it is and i do really appreciate them but they're better friends with each other than they are with me and i'm jealous of it i want a friend like they are with each other but can't be with me. i do not feel good. i feel lightheaded and nauseous. i'm so tired of all of this. ugh.

July 29th.

Listening to: Firebomb - Oneus

I kinda wish there was a way to know if people read these things but perhaps I'm better off knowing. If it's read then so be it and if it isn't read then so be it as well. Unfortunately I am nosy. Anyways I am getting the coding itches but I have genuinely no ideas. I might click through some webrings and look at other people's sites for inspiration but aughhh. Or maybe I should finish the projects on my site I have already started. Which is mostly my shrines. But I do not feel like it. Need to start something new. Ughhhhh. Anyways I'm also feeling the urge to make gifs but the problem is there's so many steps and I only want to do like. A few of them. Well actually I'm fine doing all of them except time stamping It is driving me insane. I WANT to gif this video I really do but everytime I pull up the video to time stamp it I'm like. dragging my feet. Trying not to scream. It's a good video which is why I want to gif it but I cannot force myself to time stamp it because my body does Not! Want to let me rewatch it because I watched it too recently for a rewatch and. ugh. So about an hour has passed between this sentence and the last one I just forgor to save the entry and I don't feel like that's enough time to justify an addition break but anyway I'm now giffing a completely different video that my brain IS allowing me to rewatch so maybe my brain just wants me dead with the other video. Sad!

July 28th.

Listening to: Firebomb - Oneus

I'm trying so fucking hard to pretend I'm normal about this group but I ammmmmmmm. Unwell. Like. I have GOT to be fixating a little bit. A lot. I just spent an hour saving 200+ images (For a total of 443 images) of them and I'mmmm. I have two folders. One is Kingdom with weapons and one is Every other Kingdom image. From there, there are subfolders for every member, and multi member pics + full group pics. Furthermore, each subfolder is sorted by fansite pictures and official pictures/selfies and whatnot. Stuff they've posted themselves. Actually I have it sorted this way for every single group I save images for. I keep the weapon pictures in a separate collection because they're funny to me and I collect them separately so I wanted them more easily accessible. Anyways back to Kingdom. For weeks now they're basically the only group I've been watching videos of (I've made my way through Most of their official channel & I'm working on stuff from other channels). Most of the gifs I make are of them. Genuinely I cannot stop rotating them in my fucking head I feel insane!!! I have two (2) ults. Onlyoneof and Kingdom. I didn't even do this with Onlyoneof. Well I did something similar to a lesser degree. I thought that was intense now whatever is going on with Kingdom is like. Obscene. I think I need to be shot dead where I stand. Sorry. Also I could probably handle it if I was biased to one or two members because then I would at least be a little calmer about the rest. Still like them but overall calmer. I am Jahan ult biased but I am also very OT8 with them so I'm just unwell. Any of them does anything and I'm like wow! Showstopping! I have only been into Kingdom for. A few months now? I wasn't even there for HOK6, their most recent comeback, which was in March, so literally this is! Very New! And I am sinking so fucking deep. Okay I think I am fixating a little bit. Unrelated someone just liked that onlyoneof blinkie posts and I finally panicked and deleted it It stresses me about so fucking bad because I felt so guilty about one comment someone made. Like it's literally not their fault they're justified but. Uhm. so I have memory issues right kinda bad they're bad and they're getting worse. But anyways it was closer to when I was a newer fan of onlyoneof and when I was making my way through content I was starting through recent and working my way back. And anyways when I'm first getting into a group, it's extremely hard for me to remember how many people are in the group, their faces, their names, etc. It takes me so much fucking effort to remember that it's stressful sometimes and it's part of what keeps me from getting into more groups. And anyways while I was AWARE of Love, at the time, all the stuff I was watching was OT6 so like! I forgot! I forgot him! And I didn't realize until someone made a sad comment about there not being a love blinkie. And of course I panicked about it and made a love blinkie but i never posted it because at that point it was too late and honestly every time i see the post in my notifs it makes me want to throwwwwww up. genuinely the guilt eats me alive because NOW i like. well i first of all remember everyone in onlyoneof including love and i also like him. but anyways i felt so guilty about it i had nightmares about it for a little bit (← pov you are not fucking normal) anyways hahhaha. so i finally deleted the post and i will just keep the blinkies on my web site. thats easy. i feel so bad about it its unreal.

July 27th.

Listening to: Cerberus - Pentagon

My favorite things to say recently have been "Does anyone else need to be shot dead where they stand or is it just me" and "I need to be put down like a sick dog" and neither of those are meant in a suicidal way I actually only say them when I find someone so unbearably attractive that I freak out for a moment. Sometimes I find someone so attractive I need to sit in a corner and zone out for a little bit and recently I have been dealing with this a lot. I am very dramatic about being gay I think. I will not talk about who I'm feeling this way toward because I do not need to publically embarass myself even though plenty of people talk about this thing publically. It's only embarassing when I do it. I have a guilt thing about it too. Actually I have a guilt thing about a lot of things it's crazy. Anyways I am sick I caught whatever is going around the house but like. Everyone else is having it so much worse than me?? Like I'm symptomatic but also I am chill. I am chilling. I'm still doing whatever. Anyways I miss Chiwoo hope that guys doing alright. I will probably update this later.
Addition 1: Y'know I had this weird view of my site that whenever I updated it (outside of minor updates) it needed to be something big. A new shrine. A new section. Etc. I had something to prove almost. I don't view anyone elses sites this way but for some reason I hold myself to these standards. Now that I'm not doing that, I'm making silly new not-mobile-optimized sections I feel very happy. Celibacy gif mini shrine. Teeth quotes mini shrine. I might make a separate mini shrine for my favorite photocards (but still document all of them in the main shrine). Just do whatever I want!! Who Give a shit!!! Hell yeas.
Addition 2: God I feel sooooo yucky disgusting. The symptoms are symptom-ing and I am not a fan of it! Also I am so hopelessly gay and far from well adjusted it's making me insaaaane. I think men are really pretty and it's making me want to chew a hole through my drywall I neeeeeed to destroy something. I'm not going to hopelessly yearn here that's for my other journal but I will talk about it. A little bit. As I just did. Tomorrow I think maybe I will gif make!! I have to be very careful though because I don't want to fall in the loop of "Posting GIFs for interactions" I want to make sure I am posting gifs for myself first and foremost, because I like making gifs and I am choosing to share them. I am being careful. I am only making very self indulgent things (but not too self indulgent). See it's fine if I gif some guy lifting his shirt up for someone ELSE because that's not self indulgent that's just a service I'm providing. But if I gif that one Hwanwoong and Leedo tiktok I will Need to be beheaded in the town square. Sorry who said that. There's demons in my keyboard.

July 26th.

Listening to: Level Up - Oneus

I'm not ready to journal yet I just needed to say that combination social anxiety & inability to read social cues goes craaaaaaazy insane.
Addition 1: Okay this is technically being written on the 27th but I'm only journaling about yesterday because I forgor and didn't want to start it on a new day. ANyways it was largely uneventful. I forgot I had therapy until 10 minutes beforehand which sucked but it's okay cuz it's telehealth. And therapy itself went fine and I brought up I was feeling kinda bad lately and she asked how I was coping with it and I went "well mostly by having homosexual feelings about men" and she chuckled and went "How does it make you feel that this is how you're coping?" and I responded "well I'm feeling pretty gay about it if I'm being honest" and we had to take a moment cuz she was laughing too hard to keep talking. I am funny sometimes. Actually retelling it was less funny you just had to be in the specific situation I think. Also it's so weird to talk about daddy issues to your therapist with the knowledge that your father is just a few rooms away from you. It feels inappropriate almost. But anyways! My throat started feeling scratchy which sucks but I don't think I have whatever my dad came down with because if that was the case I'd feel much worse already. I didn't get much cross stitching done because it takes much longer to cross stitch laying flat on your back. Well not completely flat but not propped up enough to count. I hate having chronic pain.

July 25th.

Listening to: Polaroid Love (Cover) - Mujin (Kingdom)

I am like a scared wet beast. I am like a prey animal. I am like the world's smallest creature ever I am one nanometer and so so scared of everything alive stepping on me and crushing me to death. Okay dramatics over I have this problem in my brain that makes me extremely irrationally scared of people who have done literally nothing ever to me. Right now there's an account that's in my tumblr notifications sometimes and every time they're there I get nauseous and lightheaded and I have the urge to delete my tumblr and smash my phone and laptop in with a brick and. Whatever you get the image. For no reason by the way! Literally I don't even know where my brain pulled this fear from it's so weird. Anyways today was a very uneventful day. My dad is sick like really badly sick so I hope I don't catch that. I feel weird. There's a chance I'm becoming hormonal which means PMDD hours which is. Giggles. Not ideal yknow. I need to be. aughghhhhh. I'm not okay but whatever I will just cross stitch about it.

July 24th.

Listening to: Monsta Truck - Monsta X

Dude not to be dramatic but I'm going to FUCKING [redacted]. Sorry. My sincerest apologies. But fucking christ holy shit this heartburn is going to be the fucking death of me. My whole mouth tastes like bile my jaw fucking feels weird because of how bad it is, my throat feels so raw and so cold and it's felt like this for fucking weeks now. Daily. I've been trying not to fucking sob over how bad it is but I am feeling it!! Anyways I got the gore whore shaker charm because hell yes organs. I'm always worried I sound like. edgy. when I talk about gore and whatnot but like idk I just have a fascination with it! I don't like "unethical" stuff I'm not going to like best gore dot com for funsies. Because I actually do not like that. But I am a little too obsessed with practical effects gore and surgeries and artistic depictions of it. Like Idk I just think it's neat! And I would never ever subject someone to viewing any of that without their explicit consent because that would be fucked up if otherwise. But IDK!!!!!!! I hope I don't sound like an edgy little shit. Anyways I picked cross stitching back up recently and it's been so awesome so fun. I had this thing where for a while I could only cross stitch if I was watching critical role but then I fell out of liking critical role so I just wasn't cross stitching anymore! And it was really sad and I missed it but I just wasn't able to. But I started a brand new cross stitch instead of trying to finish an old one and now I just cross stitch to music and it is so niceys. I love it so much. It's a flamingo cross stitch too :•] I love flamingos so much awuugughghhhh

July 23rd.

Listening to: Wet Dream - Smothered

I was too burnt out last night to update my journal again but overall i had a very good day. my friend liked their birthday present and they got me these little ateez message cards and a cat pencil that was really cute :•] apparently they also invited their boyfriend over which 1. i didn't know about 2. i didn't know he was their boyfriend till after we all went home? i was nervous because my social anxiety is at abnormally high amounts all the time but he was pretty cool so it worked out. also the food at their party was sooooooo fucking good....... i had a little bit last year but last year i had to go home early so augh. their moms jalapeño poppers make me crazy insane they're so good. uhmmmmm anyways i got home and stayed up extra late later than normal because i have this weird thing? after i hang out with someone i need to spend time alone or i will not recover right. however i got home at 11pm but i Need that alone time or else. so i stayed up till 1am scrolling on tumblr and cross stitching and therefore accidentally gave my mom an extremely hard time waking up in the morning. sorry mom. anyone else have really strange relationships with their parents? like not just parental issues (though i have those too), just downright strange? i show my father memes about transformers sex because of an inside joke and this is just normal for us. what's all that about. my grandparents are on their way over which booooooo but they're bringing me a birthday present so yayyyyyy. i hope it's money. if it's money i'm either gonna buy this shaker charm i want or this flamingo plushie i want. idk which i want more yet. the duality of man is literally me having to choose between a charm that says "gore whore" or a flamingo plushie meant for toddlers. i am such a multifaceted being. anyways i'm probably gonna try and cross stitch more today, i might make some gifs? we will see.

July 22nd.

Listening to: Bicycle - Xdinary Heroes

Forgot to journal yesterday but anywaysss yesterday i went to the dmv and handled it so spectacularly and they didn't give me a hard time. hell yes. i also got a new flamingo best friend yesterday. hell yes. today i am hanging out with my friend for their birthday and i am hoping they like the gift i got for them hehe. i also made them onigiri because they are a little obsessed with my onigiri so hell yes. hell yes i love saying hell yes. I got a vaccine a few days ago and it's still so sore and i am revelling in it i love lifting my arm up too much and making it hurt and how much it continues to hurt after i put my arm down. uhhhhhhhh what else. i started a new cross stitch that is exciting. okay i guess that's the journal for today. i might add when i am done hanging out with my friend but it depends how burnt out i am.

July 20th. Birthday! Warnings: Brief NSFW mentions but not in an NSFW way. yknow.

Listening to: Level Up - ONEUS

Today's my birthdayyyyy I am [AGE] years old now! I get a vaccine today which is awesome because I am a needle lover. I fucking love needles. I love getting stabbed with needles. I've been thinking about play piercings recently. Which I think are a fetish thing but I don't want them in a fetish way I just fucking looooove needles. I am a masochist I think. Also not in a fetish way I just like pain. Also not I think, I know I am one I'm just a little strange about it. Anyways tehehe. <333 I hope today is a good day. Someone reblogged my post on tumblr and I was waiting for them specifically to reblog it so I feel accomplished. We don't know each other I just knew they would like it. As I was writing this Echo by Oneus came on shuffle and wowwwowowowow I fucking love that song. I wish my coding creative juices would come back, I want to add more to this site but I just??? I have nothing dawg. Net zero motivation. Making the kpop shrine was the biggest thing I've done in months and that's starting to feel blah to me. Unrelated my mom found someone who was selling a photocard set of Oneus holding guns and she bought Leedo for me and I'm probably also getting Keonhee. I have a collection on my desktop of idols holding weapons because I think it's funny to me. I have the most of Dann Kingdom at 21. I'm never gonna post them to anyone anywhere because 99% of them are fansite pics and I forgot where I got them from because I am stupid and have memory issues. And I don't wanna repost without creds so it's just for me for now I guess. Do you know how hard it is to be a kpop fan with memory issues. I feel like I should know so much more about the groups I care about but my brain is fried dude. Grappling with the fact I was probably extremely overmedicated psych-wise from 10-16 and it literally fucked with my brain so bad. That's crazy! Anyways I feel like I am the worst kpop fan ever just because I don't know shit I can't remember shit. I watch videos and then forget 90% of them. I'm still struggling to remember the names of my ult groups songs because I KNOW the songs but the names don't stick. I don't remember choreography outisde of a select few. That's honestly why it's hard for me to get into new groups (outside of casual listening) because it just doesn't feel like it's worth the mental battle to remember stuff. I'm so bad at attaching names to faces that I have to put in active hard work to remember names and faces so I can't really recognize anyone outside of my ults and sometimes semi-ults. I can't even recognize my semi-ults entirely! I know I shouldn't feel like a, and I hate to phrase it this way so it's in quotation marks, "fake fan" because it's literally just my brain being so fucking broken but I'm like. Why can't I be like the people without memory issues even though I know I can't fix my memory issues. I'm gonna fight this internalized ableism- shit this internalized ableism has hands. I'm also fighting it because I might be getting a rollator soon. I know it'll be good for me but I feel like I'm not disabled enough to use mobility aids. Objectively I know that if someone else was saying that to me I'd go "there's no such thing as 'disabled enough', you're allowed to get the supplies to help you if they're gonna help you" but I am having so much trouble internalizing that. Shit's crazy. Oh my fucking god I'm gonna see Flogging Molly AND Kingdom live. Celtic punk band and Kpop boy group what an interesting juxtaposition. Okay I'll probably update this at the end of the day bye bye <33
Addition 1: THOSE PHOTOCARDS CAME!!!! Kicking my feet and all that. I did get Leedo and Keonhee and she got Seoho, Xion, and Hwanwoong. I don't mind her getting photocards I want because I can just bug her and be like heyyyy lemme see the cards :3 and she concedes. It's so niceys.

July 18th.

Listening to: Juice - SHINee

I am in a very weird headspace recently and I know it's because of the pmdd but also i feel like i have a weird guilt complex forming and i am loooooosing my mind. whaddever. short entry because i have nothing to say.

July 15th.

Listening to: MOVE (T5) - Treasure

I forgot to add yesterday because yesterday ended in a. Not so pleasant way but with my epic bargaining skills I managed to convince my parents to allow me to open my birthday presents 1/6 days early. Aka last night. And I got quite a few albums :•) I got "Take Over the Moon" from WayV, both versions of OnlyOneOf's "seOul cOllectiOn", the Nine version of Instinct pt.2, and underground idol's 2, 4, and 5 :D I was supposed to get Instinct Pt.1 as a duo thing with Pt.2 but I got to open it a month early because of a whole fiasco I shall not go into. I also got the DVD box set of Ateez's break the wall tour. But because I got underground idol #2 I finally got a Kyubin photocard :•) While I very very much want to get into pc collecting more, I know it will not go over well monetarily for me right now so I have to kindly look away. I think though, I would only pursue collecting photocards of my ult ult biases which is like. Jahan, Jongho, Kyubin, and Leedo I think. Secondarily, I would like photocards of my other biases but I wouldn't be as avid of a collector of them. I don't feel like talking about that anymore but I have more thoughts. Anyways today as a day was kinda bad! I broke down like. 4 separate times and it left me with a killleerrrrr headache. I got sushi for lunch though as part of that bday celebration thing I mentioned was happening today. That's a win. I got to see my mom's partners but I felt like such mental shit that it was hardly enjoyable because I was trying so hard not to cry again like. the entire day. And I know this is all heavy stuff but I am not really venting about it, just talking! I feel fine right now I think. Ohhh my mom's girlfriend got me a little flamingo lamp that's so adorable and I love it so much. I am an avid flamingo enjoyer. I should really finish that shrine some time.

July 14th.

Listening to: Moonshot - N.Flying

Compared to the house work yesterday, today was very easy. Very easy day today. Did nothing much all day and it was much more comfortable. They are actually done today so yippeeee. I am very excited :3 We are celebrating my birthday tomorrow instead of the actual day because my actual birthday is in the middle of the week (not ideal). And I know a little of my presents so I am very excited :33 I will have to update my kpop shrine quite a bit possibly ............ Not possibly I know I will. Kicking my legs and twirling my hair and all that. Anyways not much to journal about today I don't think.

July 13th.

Listening to: a sOng Of ice & fire - OnlyOneOf

I am soooooooo fucking sore today from all the work yesterday and it is annoying me!! Specifically my forearms and lower arms area is where I'm the most sore which honestly isn't making this typing thing the most fun!! But I am doing it anyways because I don't typically make good decisions with my health so why start now. Anywayssss there's people doing work on the house today which is blehhhhh I do not want it to happen. Like I know it needs it but -_- Not much to journal about considering I've been awake for only two hours but maybe I will update later.
Addition 1: God. What a fucking day. They hit a gas line in our backyard and we had to evacuate until the fire department could clear it, so we were standing in the blistering heat for a while because it's so fucking hot here, then we had to wait for the energy company to actually repair it. Then we had to wait even longer for the natural gas to escape the house. And we couldn't use our A/C the entire time so it got to 85F/29.4C Inside the house because of it. And then we discovered when we rearranged my room, the attic door actually can't open because of the placement of my bed! So I'm gonna have to fucking rearrange again even though this layout is fucking perfect for me. It's upsetting honestly. I'm so tired. It's been such a long day.

July 12th. Warnings: Venty.

Listening to: Sweet Lullaby (Cover) - Jahan (of Kingdom)

I am. so stressed. Been up since 5:30am and worked in the yard for a few hours in horrible heat. Side note, because of my medication and just My Body In General, I am very heat intolerant, it's very hard for me to regulate the heat and overall just. Not good for me. So anyways I was working in the yard with my mom and brother, moving tons fo heavy shit because we have to get it moved for something. My mom is disabled and my brother is. We're not sure. But it all fell on us because my father (able-bodiesd) put it off to the last second and then wasn't able to do it anymore so it all fell on us. I twisted my ankle at the very beginning but had to keep working because what else whas I supposed to do. I'm literally typing this journal entry with my eyes closed leaned back on a pillow because I'm so tired but I just need to get my thoughts out, so sorry if there's any spelling mistakes, I'll proofread it later maybe. And after all the work was done he didn't even acknowledge it or say thank you or anything just. Whatever. I'm so tired.

July 11th.

Listening to: Zigzag - ONEUS

Meowwww meow meow meow. Meow. Meoww. So I picked up meowing as an echolalia thing and I don't know how I feel about it because now I'll just be having a conversation and meow meow meow? Mrrrow? Meow. No driving today because my pain started flaring back up. It was so excruciatingly painful to sit up for a while but I put on an icy hot patch and it actually helped for once? meow meow moew. meoww. I finally un-imprinted on my Jahan photocard so I'm not carrying it around all the time. Epic win for me. I still think about that guy a lot but whatever. There are two (2) guys in my head rn Not in the hallucinatory sense yippee!! Actually it's been very quiet on the voices in my head front so that is a win and my other hallucinations have gone down a bit!! Which means my psychosis is, in fact, linked to my pmdd. Kind of the worst! But anyways I have been thinking about Kyubin onlyoneof and Jahan kingdom a lot lately. Not in a parasocial way or anything just a rotating them in my head way. Putting Kyubin on a microscope slide and examining him. Appreciating Jahan's voice a normal amount. Okay one gay thought as a treat. I was doing fansite deep dives the other day and I saw this pic of Kyubin and Nine and. Okay. I will say that one rewired my brain chemistry a little bit 👍 From this website or @KB_mandarintree on twitter. Did you know if a link has this symbol & in it neocities tries to read it as like. I forget the term. whatever. It gives you a silly error about it but it doesn't actually break your code. Anyways there's also similar pictures here from Eden which I like because they have. Y'know. Skin tone. But I also like the red outfits so. Both sets are nice I just wish the first one's didn't look so white y'know. Anyways still not much going on in my life. I'm so tired right now.

July 10th.

Listening to: Full Moon - ONEUS

Yet another day of failing to deny my fatherly issues <///3 I drove my father to work today as part of driving practice and then drove my mom to the store. No big deal. I get home and I have an unread message from my father telling me I did a good job this morning. This seems positive However, upon reading it, I immediately burst into tears and couldn't finish making breakfast. You know. Like you handle that situation. Whatever I guess though. 5 days till my birthday celebration because I'm celebrating early :33 I am going to invite my mom's bf and gf over as well. I don't normally have people over for my birthday but I miss them. I've gotta drive my little brother to the hospital soon but it's nothing major, just a well check. I hope I succeed in the parking lot this time.

July 9th. Warnings: Venty.

Listening to: Sweet Lullaby (Cover) - Jahan (from Kingdom)

I forgot to journal yesterday rip. In my defense I was all sorts of fucked up mentally yesterday and I only updated my neocities once to correct a mistake I made. I am still all sorts of mentally fucked up today too. I am so impatient. I celebrate my birthday in 6 days because I'm celebrating it early due to its placement of being in the middle of the week. I'm actually excited. It's weird. I've been taking my heartburn pills but they're starting to not help again I think I am going to become violent. I am so tired! Of being mentally ill. I need to go back on birth control because giggles. pmdd moment. I wish I had a monster rn. The drink or the actual thing I'd take either.
Addition 1: I got left alone in my room and immediately became a horrible being. I am beginning to feel like a prey animal. My room feels so open that it feels like its compressing in on me. How is it that an open space can feel so claustrophobic. I feel like Something is Wrong. There is Something but i don't know What. I can't take another klonopin but I am feeling it. giggling. I hope i do not develop a klonopin dependency! I have been on it since middle school without such a thing happening but you never know. I feel not fine. But I do not want to wake my mother dearest up. But augghhhhhh. I feel too awake to sleep it off. This is kind of the worst I'm gonna be real.

July 7th. Warnings: Alcohol talk.

Listening to: cOy - OnlyOneOf

I'm so. tired. i'm happy i hung out with people yesterday but it has left me in such an empty and depressed mood now that it's the day after and i'm. ugh. this happens every single time and it sucks. i wish i could hang out like normal but i need minimum a day of recovery afterwards. it's so rough. but it went well and one of them liked the onigiri i made them which yippeee. not much to journal about today i just feel meh.
Addition 1: I am drinking a little tonight and what I'm drinking for the most part doesn't taste like alcohol but then sometimes I will take a sip and be extremely aware it is alcohol and it throws me for a loop. Like I don't mind a strong alcohol taste but for something that normally doesn't taste like alcohol I'm like. Wow.

July 6th. Warning: Weird (fictional) medical talk under a spoiler & a little venty at places.

Listening to: Hall of Fame - Stray Kids

Hover here.I had a crazy dream last night that was about all sorts of fucked up fictional political shit (but somewhat based in reality) that also had Oneus in it but none of that's important. I dreamnt of a surgery thing and I have to ramble about it. Granted this was a dream so I have no clue if it has any basis in reality (in terms of actually working or not). Since this dream took place somewhere in the 1800s-1950s (time unspecified) it wasn't like. Modern surgery or whatnot. But basically, there was this last ditch pill/paste type thing that could be used during surgery, and if they were very at risk of losing the patient they would actually make an incision into the heart, put the pill/paste thing inside, and stitch it back up, and I assume it was some type of stimulant? Adrenaline? I don't know. But because they put it directly into the heart, it would spread through the bloodstream much faster and keep the heart beating longer while they finished the surgery. Unfortunately it typically woke up the patient which. Rough! Anyways I thought it was neat but I have no one to talk to about something like that <3

Anywaysss I have been up since 4:30am. I didn't intend to wake up at 4:30am. I meant to wake up at 8am. Shit kinda sucks but whatever. I am hanging out with people today!! Here is hoping I do not majorly fuck up this interaction. Here's to also hoping I actually talk instead of going silent and just watching them converse (I like doing that but unfortunately I am expected to talk often times). Here's to hoping they don't bring up kpop so I do not ramble for forevers in an extremely embarassing manner. However one of them is an Army and the other is a casual kpop listener so it's not like they're Not receptive I am just extremely embarassed talking about it. It's those social issues I keep talking about again. My arch nemesis. I'm bringing 2 photocards with me though because I'm mentally ill and I kind of imprinted on the cards themselves (and the guys too. woops) and now they're comfort objects. Why am I autistic!! Sorry I'm actually not normal about the whole autism thing I joke about it sometimes but I do very much dislike being autistic often times -_- I neeeeed to work on that self acceptance but it's hard to accept something that's caused me so many fucking issues!! It is okay. I am making onigiri for my friends because one of them REALLY really really liked it last time I made it and my worth as a friend comes from the services I provide so. Onigiri <3 Sorry I didn't intend this journal entry to be mentally ill but there is something deeply wrong with me. Anyways peace and love.

July 5th.

Listening to: Waka Waka - Kingdom

I had driving practice today and I did pretty well I think! I am getting better at my right and left turns, but I did hit a curb once ;W; unfortunately I am practicing in a big truck so it is hard for me to account for the large bed. I can't wait to be in a smaller vehicle. I still suck shit at parking though. Anyways a package arrived today and it was the Oneus' Malus album Sealed!! And the seller included a really nice birthday note for me and some other oneus baubles and. sobbing. I love when sellers are so so sweets. and niceys. I am so tired right now but I don't wanna nap. Actually I might nap. I don't knowwww. I got a milkshake too which is awesome because I have been craving one for many weeks now. I have to bleach my moms roots later and im fine bleaching her whole hair but i hate doing just the roots -_- But I will do it anyway because I <3 her.

July 4th.

Listening to: byredO - OnlyOneOf

If the crick in my neck doesn't go away by the end of today I'm genuinely going to lose it I am so TIRED!! Of this specific pain. I can ignore the headache I can ignore my hips begging for removal but the crick in my neck is driving me up the fucking walllll. Anyway I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and it was really great but I'm still tired. I'm on a minor dose of sedative as a mood stabilizer and recently I've had to start taking it in the morning (just until my birthday really) and well. Taking a sedative in the morning makes for a very sleepy day. Which gets a little annoying. Anyways a family friend is supposed to be coming over today and she wants to know about the kpop me and my mom listen to. Giggling. I am not gonna be normal about this. Unfortunately. I will try to be normal and not talk for seven hundred years but there is a chance it'll happen!! I will try sooooo hard to be normal and not ramble about the themes in that one oneus stage break. The Rosalía one. EASILY one of the videos of all time sorry I love it so much. Actually earlier I said I could ignore the headache but idk anymore it is getting progressively worse as I type. Sad!

July 3rd.

Listening to: Juice - SHINee

Had an... interesting... dream last night and it wasn't even a Bad dream but I do have to grapple with the fact that it's a dream I had and it's quite conflicting! Yeah yeah you can't control what you dream about but come on? That? Seriously? I'm being dramatic it was a relatively normal dream there's just something deeply wrong with me. The only other problem is that I'm probably gonna think about it for forever now. I woke up with a bit of a sore throat and a headache :•( I'm probably going to watch Kingdom videos again all day because the brainrot is running deep. I've been falling asleep to Jahan's cover of sweet lullaby for almost a week now and like. This can't be normal behaviour. Anyways I will probably update this diary again later considering it is still early morning here I just had to get some thoughts out.
Addition 1: I am considering deactivating my kpop tumblr sideblog just because it stresses me out so bad. I cannot deny the allure of pretty GIFs but I am so. stressed. I literally don't even talk or interact with anyone on it, I ONLY use it to reblog gifsets, pics, art, etc to. However, I have to find that stuff to reblog somehow which means I am at least somewhat close to the "fandom" however you call it. And I do not like that! I do not think I want to exist in such a space. No offense to everyone there I just have issues. I think the only way I should be talking about kpop is in three spaces. Number one, rambling to the void (my webbed site). While yes, real people can see it, I feel much more comfortable with people seeing it here rather than seeing it on social media, and I feel much more fine seeing it on peoples websites rather than on social media. Number two, my (private) twitter twitter circle (but god knows how much longer twitter will be around). 8 people follow me and even then only 3 of them are on my twitter circle. That is the most comfortable I am discussing it around people. Number three, to my mother. Rereading this makes me sound ill and I will be real with you I am definitely a little ill. I am not built for social media! I cannot do this! For someone who has been online since a young age you'd think I would've adapted and I did when I was younger but I lost all of it! I get a notification from an app and consider smashing my phone with a brick! I am so bad at this! Is this impacting my ability to make friends? Let's not unpack that right now actually.

July 2nd. Warning: Animal death and normal death mentions but not in a venting way, located under a spoiler.

Listening to: The Song of Dann (Promise) - Kingdom

Woke up at 4am naturally and felt surprisingly well rested. Bad news though is my neck hurts so so much worse than it did yesterday and I have cried multiple times over it. My pain tolerance is high for external pains enacted upon me but when my body is coming up with its own pain? I am the weakest most fragile being ever. I also woke up from a nightmare. Well it didn't affect me like a bad nightmare but it was upsetting.

Hover here.I dreamnt I kept hallucinating my dead cat coming to attack me but it turns out it wasn't hallucinations but what my family saw was this very creepy woman attacking me, but I thought it was my dead cat attacking me and running away. She was talking to me in a human voice which is why I thought it was a hallucination (also cat is dead so I couldn't have been really seeing her) but either way it was quite distressing. It's a little funny though because I'm literally unbothered that she's dead like. I bawled my eyes out for 24 hours BEFORE she died (because we had to put her down) but as soon as my mom was home from the vet I was literally fine. None of my family cried until afterwards so I was the only one who was fine once everyone else started grieving so I felt a little silly. I guess I just have a weird time grieving? Not many people close to me have died but when I think about anyone except two people dying I am not distressed by it. My mom was torn up because one of our close family friends was possibly gonna die soon and yeah he played a very important part in my childhood but I don't know. I mean I care about him obviously and I hope he doesn't die! But if he does die I think I will be okay and it will not affect me. Maybe I will know more once more people I know die. I guess I've just never had to deal with it much before which is why I feel this way. Also I don't think people read these but don't think I am some horrible uncaring being because of this thanxxxx. I am capable of caring I just have a weirder empathy sympathy situation than some hehe.

Addition 1: Dann from Kingdom's "Spam!" is something that can be so echolalia inducing. I kind of hate having echolalia but I can't Not do it but at least spam is a cute one. For a while I kept saying "Oh my GOD!" like this one clip of San Ateez and that one was really annoying to me (that I was doing it, not that the clip itself was annoying). I took a nap but my dog started barking and it woke me up early and kind of put me in a shitty mood for a while but I feel better now, I am watching more Kingdom behind the scenes. I need to make a Kingdom section in my shrine.
Addition 2: I'm not really into SHINee in like. I hate to say it this way but in a "stan them" way more just a casual way but Minho fascinates me. That's it that's the whole addition I just had nowhere else to say it. Idk I just think he's neat!

July 1st.

It is officially my birth month. How spooky. I am actually a little excited for my birthday because my mom let slip one of my birthday presents hehe. Hint it is a kpop album. She also got some freebie photocards with a separate order and let me have them but one of them I can't put into kcollect because I do not think it came with an album? It was some ateez crossover with a brand so. Frustrating. At least my photocard section in my shrine is fully updated, even if it isn't as efficient as kcollect. I hurt my neck really bad today and now it hurts to look at all to the left, too far up, and even too far down. It's really frustrating me and I don't know how I'm gonna sleep tonight. Speaking of sleeping tonight, I have to go to bed early so I can get up at 4am. Yucky. I am emotional thinking about silly little kpop guys. I'm so bored it is eating me alive. I think I might steal a journal idea from my beloved website mutual and add a currently listening to blurb in my journal. We will see. Only downside(?) is it's just gonna be kpop cuz this fixation is doing horrible things to my listening habits sorry in advance.

Dream Log

July 20th, 2023. Warnings: Child death and gore.

I was chilling in my room and we were expecting guests. Said guests had the adults in a normal sized car, and two children in a child-sized car and one child in another child sized car. Keep in mind these are 5-8 year old children. Anyways, the alone child parks and then the duo child car crashes into them real bad. And everyone's like oh my god what the fuck. We have to save that child. And I'm the main person helping so I pick through the wreckage and this child is just pieces. Big pieces, but the body is not exactly connected. And because I'm the only person not really bothered by the gore of it all, I'm in charge of harvesting all these pieces and we end up putting them in this cardboard box? And the child's parents are apparently rich (and the mom is my old therapist?) and there's this procedure that is really expensive but they put the dead person Back Together so you're able to have a not-closed-casket funeral. And they're able to afford it and for some reason my mom is mad at her for this because she had a kid/I had a sibling that died in a similar way but we couldn't afford that so my mom was a little jealous. Anyways I have to wash all this child blood off my hands and then 30 minutes later I go to my therapy and I'm like "yeah hasn't been too eventful. Besides me picking through the gored remains of a child I guess" and my therapist was like "For the love of god what the fuck." and then I woke up.
Comments: I don't have a sibling that died by the way that was all a product of the dream. I don't know where this dream came from but I guess dreams are just like that sometimes.

July 16, 2023. Warnings: Suicide mentions.

Dream 1: Very short and sweet. I was in a post apocalyptic world but I still ended up becoming twitter/tumblr (it kept switching up) with one of my neocities neighbours but I failed the social interaction so hard they were like hey this was cool and all but. take my button off your website. and I couldn't even argue with that because the interaction went that bad. I think this could be considered a nightmare.
Dream 2: I'm missing a lot of details from it but essentially there was a mold outbreak (think Resident Evil 7 style) in my neighbourhood/city (not sure, didn't watch the dream news) and it affected my neighbour first but the press kept trying to get to her so we were hiding her in our house right. And these two teen boys started filming the outside of my house so I got extremely violent with them about it. Then suddenly my house ended up the sanctuary for people attempting to hide from the molded, except there were some sentient moldeds who didn't look physically different so I had to be able to tell them apart and know who was real and could be let in, and who was a molded and had to be kept out. Well I failed almost instantly and a molded mimicking my grandma got inside and well we were all kind of fucked after that! So I and the other not-moldeds went outside in search of a new sanctuary and were watching a lot of people just kill themselves to not deal with all that. I respect it tbh but it was still horrifying to watch. And then the dream started wrapping up movie style? But I was still a character in the movie. There was just this omniscient narrating voice that was narrating the end as we kept going and then it slowly faded to black. And then I woke up. Weird.
Comments: So something I have done for a few years now is I fall asleep to music and I let the music play all night. Nothing special, just my normal playlists. However, this means sometimes certain songs can push through the barrier and influence my dreams? So now the new Ateez album is a little associated in my brain with a fake failed social interaction. That's rough. Another example is the song "Shake Your Lovemaker" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies is associated with Artagan Critical Role because of a swing revival kick I went on while watching Critical Role a lot so I ended up dreaming about characters while listening to swing.

July 13th, 2023

So I met up with Bit from Bae173. He introduced himself as a factive of Bit but also it was literally just Bit from Bae173 like the official guy. And then we went on a drive together (I did the driving he was just a passenger) and talked for a bit, until I pulled up to this house office looking thing? I wasn't intending to go here, we just ended up there. Anyways, we go inside and this lady welcomes us in and shows us our room and I'm like ??? what is this place. It turns out it is a long term psych ward! It was a much cleaner version of the one I almost stayed in a few years ago, but essentially we would be there for a few months. And my residential psych roommate was Bit Bae173. Fascinating. Anyways we also had two dogs in our room it was quite neat.
Additional comments: I think my dreams involving idols are always so funny. Nothing weird just oh we're psych ward roommates. Oh they're mad max cowboys about to kill me. Oh we're doing driving lessons together and he almost got me in a wreck. Like it's just a silly situation to me.

July 7th, 2023

So basically me and my mom ended up in some weird wibbly wobbly timeline shit and we got ejected into some crossover between a mad max town and an old western town. And then I ended up losing my mom somewhere along the way so I am alone in this mad max cowboy town. Everyone is dressed mad max inspired except! Oneus is there Again. And they are cowboy dressed. Anyways this town ends up not being especially kind to outsiders especially ones dressed wayyyyyy differently popping out of thin air. And the members of Oneus are like. Pointing guns at me and questioning me and I have to go through the whole procedure of "ohhhh I'm not here to hurt you anyways have you seen someone with hot pink hair around here" but it doesn't go over especially well as you'd imagine! So they end up restraining me and taking me into what isn't a police station but is some in world equivalent I guess and I get professionally interrogated but of course they don't believe me because who would. "Oh yeahhh I'm kind of not from this universe and ended up here" sounds like a load of horse shit. But then I woke up so I don't know what happens next. Anyway I think it's so funny the dreams I have involving idols. Oh I had driving practice with these ones and then I had a weird political intrigue dream with these ones and then in this one they were cowboys who held me at gunpoint. Like what is all of that! But okay.